Creve Coeur (MI), April 13th, 2011. Biotech giant Monsanto (NYSE: MON) has reported that they have for the first time created an organism capable of growing money. The plant, MON1971$, and the undisclosed technologies involved in creating it, have been patented in the US. Technically, the invention is based on the insertion of a gene from the bacteria Opulatiofilus Avaritia that causes the production of the fiber of dollar bills, that through some “embryogenetic tinkering” result in the fruit of the plant: clean dollar bills. Currently, MON1971$ is being tested by several dependent organisations that soon will find out that the dollar bills are valid. It is expected that the plant will be introduced on the market in early 2014.
“This can be considered the Holy Grail of biotech” said Hugh Grant of Monsanto. “We have long thought that we [the biotech industry, red.] would never be able to manipulate organisms in such a way that they produce the one thing that matters most to us: money”. He said he was very relieved about the fact that they were sooner to patent their money bearing plant than competitors DuPont and Novartis, that have conducted similar research.
James Taylor, who works alternately for Monsanto and the FDA to pass the bills needed to further Monsanto’s monopoly over the world’s food production, also celebrated the breakthrough. “Science once again has proved the sceptics wrong. Welcome to the 21th century” he said.
Usage of the plant is obvious, of course. The freshly harvested greenbacks could buy shopping carts full of GMO produce. Consumers do of course have to pay back the money they harvest, with interest to Monsanto, according to Muddy Waters, CTO (Chief Transparency Officer) of Monsanto. He stated that Monsanto did acquire a banking license, and that the organic production of money would get us in touch with Mother Nature. He also presented a new logo.
It is mind-boggling to reflect on the consequences of this research. “This would end world poverty in one fell swoop” said Bill Gates. “Currently, a billion people live on less than a dollar a day”, the world’s wealthiest philanthropist explained. “With this invention, they could grow their own dollars, and harvest perhaps a hundred dollars a day. Imagine what good that would do to the world. Nobody would have to live off one dollar a day any longer. The United Nations poverty statistics would change dramatically.” He promised to help introduce the technology in Africa.
Some critics say they want the GMO-dollars to be labeled because “every consumer has the right to know what she pays with.” This idea has been ridiculed by Monsanto lobbyist Johnny Cash, and even likened to the “inane” idea that a consumer would have the right to know where their food comes from.
Other critics point out that Monsanto’s latest crop hasn’t been adequately tested on human subjects. Monsanto retorted that the money produced by its plants is “substantially equivalent” to money printed by the FED. Furthermore, it has conducted research on rats, and rat fed with grains bought with the plant-produced currency did not show any significant increase in diseases compared to the base group of rats, that were fed grains bought with regular dollars.
* Because Monsanto employees have requested to remain anonymous, we have used names from popular entertainment instead. Any similarity with real names of Monsanto employees is entirely based on the intentions of the author.